The recent wave of pitch invasions was kind of charming at first. Like reliving football in the 80s, but without the constant threat of leaving with two black eyes and a Chelsea smile.
But it’s getting boring now. Personally we’d like to see a player absolutely Roy Keane one of these Tik Tok punks. Just fly in from behind, and scythe them down with a studs up, two footed shitwhistler of a foul.
So hats off to Chelsea’s Sam Kerr for getting things started – the Australian dealt with a cocky young lad by shoulder barging him to the ground. The ref showed her a yellow for it, which is ridiculous.
Good hit though. Reminiscent of big Andy Symonds taking out a streaker at the Gabba in 2018.
In a similar vein to our Oliver Kahn story, did you ever see Michael Owen’s Soccer Skills?
Officially a training video for young hopefuls, the show sees the Premier League’s top scorer shatter the hopes and dreams of a group of school children for his own amusement.
In one memorable scene, Owen installs a 13-year-old in a full size goal, and smacks volley after volley past the boy from point blank range, letting out the occasional triumphant laugh.
“I just love volleying – poor old Jamie has no chance,” Owen chuckles, after beating the child for the 22nd time.
Later, Everton goalkeeper Neville Southall is drafted in to give poor Jamie some pointers. The Welshman soon becomes frustrated as Owen – seemingly unaware of what a dick he’s being – dinks the ball over Jamie and celebrates by pointing to the name on the back of his shirt, like he’s just hit the winner in the Merseyside derby.
Then comes a moment of TV gold. The England striker curls one past Jamie, exclaiming “Geeeet innnnn there” and leading Southall to snap back: “Well done, he’s 13.”
But Owen isn’t bothered, declaring it “game set and match Owen” as he strides off.
Last week we regaled our Gold members with a story about Joe Hart losing his rag with a child who dared to mock him, booting his ball into a car park.
Following that story, a Shotter named Camilla writes:
I read about a similar tale involving terrifying former Germany goalkeeper Oliver Kahn.
Apparently he once played in a penalty shootout against a group of nine year olds. For every penalty the kids scored, money was given to charity.
Kahn saved every single one.
Love it, keep the letters coming – just reply to this email.
It all got a bit much for Leeds sporting director Victor Orta last weekend – the Spaniard had to be restrained at the final whistle because he wouldn’t stop barking “shut up” at one of his own fans.
If Orta wants advice on dealing with unruly supporters, he should take a leaf out of his manager Marcelo Bielsa’s book.
Back in 1992, when Bielsa was gaffer at Argentine side Newell’s, the club lost a game 6-0 and a pack of angry ultras turned up outside his house to have a word.
Unfazed by their menacing chants, Bielsa appeared at the front door in his pyjamas, clutching a hand grenade in his right hand, and threatening to pull the pin if they didn’t leave.
As the fans fled, Marcelo chased down the street after them, yelling “do you still want to talk?”
Back in August, we told you about Adam Elliot and Millie Boyle, the rugby league stars who were kicked out of a restaurant after staff caught them getting off in the loo.
At the time things looked bleak – Elliot lost his contract and the Orwellian-sounding NRL Integrity Unit were threatening to punish them further.
So we’re pleased to report some good news: the couple are now officially an item.
Separately, Elliot’s teammate Michael Lichaa has finally forgiven him after he walked in on Elliot in bed with his fiancee. All’s well that ends well!
Tough times for Alan Pardew, who is now punching the clock in Bulgaria after the Premier League job offers dried up. “I feel a bit aggrieved because, for whatever reason, people turned their backs on me,” the former West Ham and Newcastle gaffer complained this week.
Yeah, what reasons could they possibly have? Sadly a High Court injunction prohibits us from sharing our preferred answer to that question, but perhaps Pards’ breathtaking arrogance also played a role in his decline.
For example, take this story from his West Ham days, courtesy of club photographer Stevie Bacon.
Bacon was sat with Pardew and fitness coach Tony Strudwick in the club canteen, waiting for their dinner, when Pardew asked the pair what food they ordered. Bacon recalls:
Pards then turned to Struds, who revealed whatever it was he’d asked for. “That sounds good,” said Pards. “Tell you what; if yours is better than mine when it turns up, I’m having that.”
That was one of the things he’d always say: I’m having that. “See that bloke’s haircut. I’m having that.” He said it all the time.
Anyway, I wasn’t “having that” at all. So I said “Well, you’re certainly not having my dinner. You’ll get a fork in the back of your hand!” Pardew sort of laughed, before turning back to Struds and saying, “Yeah, if yours is better than mine, I’m having that.”
Our meals eventually arrived and Pards looked at Tony and said, “Yeah, I was right, yours definitely looks much better than mine; I’m having that.” And he went to swap the plates over. “You can’t do that!” I said.
“What do you mean?” he asked.
“You can’t just take somebody’s else’s dinner,” I said in disbelief.
And he replied, without any hint of a joke, “When you’re the King, you can do anything.”
