A quick dispatch from the front line of menacing sexual energy, Paris, where detectives are still hunting the architect of the violent attack on PSG midfielder Kheira Hamraoui.
Last week we revealed the wife of former Barcelona defender Eric Abidal was a suspect, after police heard rumours Eric and Hamraoui were having an affair.
Now Abidal’s wife has filed for divorce, and the former France defender has begged for her forgiveness on Instagram, writing: “I deserve this humiliation even though it kills me alive. Thank God. God willing one day you will forgive me. #loveyoutothemoonandback.”
Not sure that’s going to get him very far, but we enjoyed the Clinton Cards hashtag.
Meanwhile, a court found Real Madrid striker Karim Benzema guilty of blackmailing former France teammate Mathieu Valbuena over a sex tape.
They handed him a suspended 12 month prison sentence and a £100k fine. Disappointing – we were hoping for some sordid escapades behind bars.
A fine example of clubs weaponising the ballboys in their pursuit of 1% gains – here’s a lad from Man City refusing to give the ball to Aston Villa goalkeeper Hannah Hampton.
Look how pleased with himself he is, love it.
The little scamp is fortunate Hampton was fairly gentle with him. Contrast her response with Joe Hart screaming “GIVE ME THE FUCKING BALL” during an England defeat in 2014. God that’s a good video.
Just gonna get right into this one: Australia captain Tim Paine has quit on the eve of the Ashes after admitting he sent an “unsolicited” dick pic and some dirty messages to a female staffer.
Paine – married with kids – sent the DMs to a Cricket Australia employee in November 2017 – on the first day of the last Ashes series Down Under.
Here’s the main exchange:
Highlights:
Paine – a cricket nerd – working in a “firm pull” cricket pun.
His sudden escalation despite her clear lack of interest.
“Finish me off right now!!!”
Can only imagine the wave of guilt and embarrassment that washed over him immediately after ejaculating.
Also – has a dick pic ever been “solicited”?
His wife is standing by him. Here’s a pic of them together:
Awful for her, and very weird from Paine. But we’re not sure he should have to quit over this. The case for the defence:
It was clearly a two way thing until Paine went a bit far.
The woman only complained seven months later – after she’d been sacked and charged with stealing.
The blazers investigated it and ruled it was consensual, private and a one-off. There was no punishment.
Paine quit in a tearful press conference this morning (see pic at top), saying although he’d been cleared of wrongdoing years ago, it would be an unwelcome disruption for the team if he stayed on.
Particularly funny as he was the man brought in to “restore the culture” in after Steve Smith and David Warner got the axe over ball tampering. They cried too.
Actually think it helps Australia’s chances for the Ashes though – Smith will probably return as captain and they might drop Paine in favour of Carey at wicketkeeper.
As Ole Gunnar Solskajer prepares for the glue factory, Man United are trying to lure Zinedine Zidane away from his sabbatical in Madrid.
And while Zizou is tempted, The Upshot understands his wife Veronique is less keen on moving to Manchester – the former model is apparently reluctant to swap tapas and sunshine for the Curry Mile and 150 days of rain a year.
Perhaps she’s been talking to Angel Di Maria’s wife Jorgelina, who reflected on her time in the city: “The people are weird, the food is disgusting, it was a shithole.” But apart from that, she loved it!
Jorgelina also branded northern women “skinny and weird”, which is a bit rich considering her husband looks like this:
