Following Antonio Conte‘s return to the Prem, we’ve been wondering how he restored his hair from near-exctinction 25 years ago into the luscious locks we see today.
Two schools of thought on this:
Theory 1) It’s a wig
Pretty simple argument: look how straight, dark and shiny it is.
Also, it’s nearly impossible to find photos of Conte between his shaved head stage (circa 2007) and the full head we see today. Which would suggest he just slapped a rug on it.
It’s quite a wig-shaped haircut, too, unlike the style he sported in the late nineties/early naughties, where he grew it long and slicked it back.
Theory 2) Turkish clinic
We’ve talked about Turkey before in relation to Andros Townsend’s miracle regrowth – simply put, it’s the place to go for cheap hair transplants.
Conte shaved his head in 2007, which is often required at the early stages of a transplant. His hair has been fantastic ever since.
Plus, would a man of his wealth and vanity really rely on something as old-fashioned and risky as a wig?
Anyway, we put this to a vote of the Upshot Gold members on Wednesday, and it was a landslide…
We also got a lot of pushback on the idea of Antonio going budget in Turkey, which is probably right.
In fact, according to a Shotter named Humphrey: “I have it on good authority that Conte was in the first wave of patients for a pioneering new procedure in Vancouver in the early 2000s.” So there you have it.
“Michael Jordan and I aren’t close and never have been,” confesses Scotty Pippen in his new memoir.
The famously stingy Chicago Bull is cheesed off at his “insulting and condescending” portrayal as a sidekick in The Last Dance, the hit Netflix documentary Jordan co-produced, and which netted him $8 million.
But don’t feel too sorry for Scottie. Pippen is widely rumoured to have an absolute howitzer of a penis, easily dwarfing Jordan in the showers.
According to one source who saw him naked in the locker room, “His monster peeked out about 2-3 inches from his knee sitting down.”
Jordan was said to be extremely jealous of the rumours, and of his teammate’s success with women.
According to former Bulls coach Johnny Bach: “That killed Michael. You should have seen the girls Pippen had waiting for him everywhere he went.
“Whenever the Bulls were in LA, Madonna would pick up Scottie in a limo complete with a hot tub.”
An indignant Jordan would corner the Queen of Pop at parties and protest that he could satisfy her better than Pippen. To which she replied: “Not a chance.”
By anyone’s measure, Mauro Icardi is a shagger. The PSG star (noticing a pattern here?) famously stole his wife Wanda from another teammate, and claims to sleep with her an exhausting 12 times a day.
So perhaps it was inevitable that his exploits in the bedroom would eventually derail his career. Last week Wanda – who is also his agent – caught him cheating on her with an Argentine model.
Something of a shagger herself, Wanda went nuclear, screaming over Insta: “Another family you have ruined for a slut” and announcing she would no longer wear her wedding ring.
In response, Icardi vowed to never play again unless his wife took him back, which the club accepted, excusing him from training and a crunch European tie.
He then appeared on Argentine TV to issue a bizarre set of demands before he would return to Paris, telling his wife to post a photo of their children, then delete her social media accounts, and banning her from flying on his private jet without him.
Personally we would’ve gone for “can we drastically reduce the frequency and intensity of our marital sex?” but fair enough.
Anyway, apparently that weird outburst qualifies as an apology, and Wanda has now taken him back.
There’s always been something a little off about Paul Scholes. Maybe it’s his sullen demeanour, or his dreary dress sense.
Or maybe it’s the fact that he sucks on his daughter’s toes.
Scholesy’s 20-year-old daughter Alicia posted the clip to her Instagram. Unclear what the back story is – hopefully he’s just trying to get a splinter out.
Never a dull moment for Oisin Murphy, who started the week headbutting a bloke in a pub car park and finished it as this season’s champion jockey.
Witnesses say the Irishman, recently back from a six month cocaine ban, threatened then assaulted a bloodstock agent in Newmarket.
The victim gave his side of the story in a voice note:
I’m a bit shaken. I was chatting to a few pals in the pub and he comes up to me and goes ‘I don’t like you’ and smashes me with a glass in the face.It was a plastic glass thank god so there wasn’t too much damage. I went and tidied myself up and said to one of my pals let’s get out of here.
As I walked out, one of the guys I was with said we have to get him to apologise. I said fuck that guy apologising, and he came up to me and headbutted me.
Owsh failed a breathalyser test and wasn’t allowed to race the next day, which is unsurprising given he was so drunk he tried to glass someone with a plastic cup. That sort of sloppiness would never have happened in his cocaine days.
Anyway, a week later he was back in the saddle, riding to victory and ensuring he finishes this season as the top jockey. Swings and roundabouts.
If you saw Fever Pitch, the BBC’s excellent documentary about the early years of the Premier League, you will no doubt have enjoyed Eric Cantona’s sulky charisma all over again.
But as the United captain faced the press following his 1995 kung fu kick on a fan, we couldn’t help wondering why he has the house and car of a retired high street solicitor.
The bloke was captaining Man United and earning £10k a week (a million a year in today’s money), yet he appears to be have rented a two up, two down in a sleepy cul-de-sac on the set of Brookside.
Half expected his wife to lean out the window and scream “Eric, ya tea’ll get cold.”
