On slow news days at the Towers, when our lowlife hacks are so desperate for a story they resort to rifling through Lawrence Dallaglio’s bins, we turn to Brazil. You can always count on one of their footballers to be waist deep in some sordid scandal, often involving borderline incest.
This week it’s Brazilian striker Hulk, who you may recall married his niece, Camila last year. At the time, Hulk claimed the wedding was for visa reasons, so Camila could stay with him in China.
That’s slightly harder to believe now the couple have announced they are having a baby. They even had the audacity to publish this official photo of Camila straddling Hulk like a boa constrictor devouring a bewildered mongoose.
It’s particularly confusing for Hulk’s three existing kids, who he had with Camila’s aunt during their 12 year marriage. Their cousin is also their step mother, and their half sibling will also be their cousin.
A plum job for exiled pundit Ian Botham, who is now the UK’s trade envoy to Australia.
Lord Botham is well prepared for the rough and tumble of politics thanks to the absolute shafting he received during a televised BBC Q&A with some children in 1986.
A croaky and hungover Beefy was probably expecting to sign a few caps and talk about the time he smashed Merv Hughes for 22 in one over.
Instead, he was grilled by a relentless cast of unsmiling Scottishstudents about his drug use, love of bloodsports, and refusal to change nappies.
As the show goes on, Botham becomes increasingly defensive, channelling David Brent and Alan Partridge.
He offers up some hilariously flippant responses, which climax with him telling a teenager: “You must have a sense of humour in there somewhere, love.”
A big mazel tov from everyone at Pornhub Towers to MiguelOliveira, who has finally married his stepsister, 11 years after they began a secret relationship.
The Portugese rider met his wife Andreia at the age of 13 when his father married her mother. She’s also Keith Cheggers with his child.
Speaking of the relationship, Miguel said: “Before love there was a great friendship. We grew up together. At some point we realized that it was more than a friendship, it is a very strong love.”
As Australia wages its war on freedom, the country’s sports stars are once again in the soup.
The latest offence? Two NRL players were caught getting off in a restaurant loo, and may now lose their jobs.
Adam Elliot and MillieBoyle snuck off for a smooch during a party at a Gold Coast restaurant, but staff spotted them in the men’s loos and kicked them out.
Not much of a crime, but Elliot’s club have suspended him for the rest of the season and the Orwellian-sounding NRL Integrity Unit is investigating. There’s talk of him losing his contract entirely.
Although in the interests of balance, we should acknowledge that Elliot is something of a wrong ‘un.
Earlier this season he agreed to have counselling after a teammate walked in on Elliot knobbing his fiancee.
And in 2018, he pleaded guilty to indecent exposure after stripping naked on a balcony during an end of season celebration.
You don’t get proper grudge matches any more. Last century, when sport was still a proxy for violence, feuds were a major part of the fun.
Then the media sanitised it all, at the behest of FIFA and Mastercard. Suddenly all the delicious animosity, like John Terry knobbing Wayne Bridge’s wife, was relegated to “elephant in the room” status.
The nearest thing you get to bad blood today is Conor McGregor yelling “yer wife’s in me DMs” at some YouTuber. Which just doesn’t cut it.
So we’ve been counting down the days ’til the “Battle of the Exes” clash between Reanne Evans and Mark Allen at the British Open.
Reanne and Mark dated for three years and share a 14-year-old daughter, but literally cannot bear to be in the same room as each other.
Back in April, Mark got Reanne chucked out of the BBC studio because he complained her presence as a pundit was “distracting him”. She made a formal complaint.
And when Reanne joined the men’s tour, along with another female player, Allen wanted her off that too, sneering: “I’m not really sure what they are going to bring”.
Well today he found at, as his ex gave him a hell of a scare.
Things got off to a thrilling start when Evans snubbed Allen’s offer of a fist bump. And with a raucous crowd cheering her on, she almost pulled off an upset before eventually losing by three frames to two.
Proper edge between the two players at the British Open as Reanne Evans refuses the pre-match fist bump of former partner Mark Allen. From ITV4 pic.twitter.com/cXX6pTeNAg
