It’s a well known fact that Americans absolutely hate diving and time wasting in football. Exhibit A: LeBron James losing it with Real Madrid’s delaying tactics at the end of Saturday’s Champions League final.
In exclusive footage sent to The Upshot, the NBA legend was seen yelling “He’s stallin’! He’s fucking stallin'” as Real saw off his beloved Reds (who he also owns 2% of).
What do you do when you forget your scarf for the pre-match rendition of You’ll Never Walk Alone? Just hold up your arms and pretend.
Reminiscent of this Celtic fan who held up his own son a few years back…
Duty calls for Trevor Burke QC, the Mr Loophole lawyer who specialises in drunken meltdowns on planes.
His likely next client – South Africa fly-half Elton Janties, who was greeted by police at Johannesburg airport after losing his marbles on a solo flight home from a family holiday.
Witnesses say a drunken Elton spent 10 minutes banging on a toilet door until his fists bled as he screamed “come out my darling” in Afrikaans at an Emirates stewardess who had locked herself inside.
“The blood of his knuckles was all over the toilet door, and he was moving through the cabin, smearing blood on people’s seats because he was walking clumsily,” recalled one passenger.
“A blonde Emirates hostess then came out of the bathroom, and you could see she was terrified,” they added.
Stay tuned for the inevitable Xanax and red wine defence…
Lee Westwood has joined Phil Mickelson in taking the Saudi riyal to join their new breakaway tour, which starts next month.
Westwood has always ducked questions about his new paymasters’ human rights record by trotting out his twee catchphrase, “I’m just a lad from Worksop who plays golf for a living”.
Although he did at least have the decency to acknowledge this week, “This is my job. I do this for money.”
He’ll fit right in alongside Mickelson, whose lust for cash is well known.
A golf magazine once asked pros in the clubhouse how much they had in their wallet.
Most of them had to check, digging out a couple of small, crumpled notes before encouraging the interviewer to “ask Phil”.
When they finally approached Mickelson, he replied, without skipping a beat, “I’ve got $6,500 in $100s and $1,600 in $20s”.
Boris Becker isn’t the only fan favourite in trouble with the law – former Aston Villa striker John Carew is facing six years in the slammer over tax fraud.
Tough break, although still not the most unfortunate thing that’s happened to the Norwegian target man.
That accolade belongs to the tattoo on his neck, which was meant to spell out “my life, my rules” in French.
Sadly a minor typo means the tattoo actually reads: “my life, my menstruation”.
Still, it’ll make a good icebreaker if he ends up in the joint.
Enjoyable anecdote from Alan Shearer in The Athletic (£):
When I was leaving Blackburn, I also had a few options and Italy was one of them; firm interest from Sampdoria and Roma were sniffing, too.
So I flew to Rome with my agent, all very hush-hush, and in between meetings he suggested we pay a visit to the Trevi Fountain. I was keeping my head down for obvious reasons but, “What’s the harm?” I thought. “Nobody will recognise me.”
And wouldn’t you know it… a coach pulls up, rammed with Geordie tourists. “Hoy man, Shearer! What are ye deein’ here?” Honestly, you couldn’t make it up. Even in the Eternal City, I was being pointed home.