Just gonna get right into this one: Australia captain Tim Paine has quit on the eve of the Ashes after admitting he sent an “unsolicited” dick pic and some dirty messages to a female staffer.
Paine – married with kids – sent the DMs to a Cricket Australia employee in November 2017 – on the first day of the last Ashes series Down Under.
Here’s the main exchange:
Highlights:
Paine – a cricket nerd – working in a “firm pull” cricket pun.
His sudden escalation despite her clear lack of interest.
“Finish me off right now!!!”
Can only imagine the wave of guilt and embarrassment that washed over him immediately after ejaculating.
Also – has a dick pic ever been “solicited”?
His wife is standing by him. Here’s a pic of them together:
Awful for her, and very weird from Paine. But we’re not sure he should have to quit over this. The case for the defence:
It was clearly a two way thing until Paine went a bit far.
The woman only complained seven months later – after she’d been sacked and charged with stealing.
The blazers investigated it and ruled it was consensual, private and a one-off. There was no punishment.
Paine quit in a tearful press conference this morning (see pic at top), saying although he’d been cleared of wrongdoing years ago, it would be an unwelcome disruption for the team if he stayed on.
Particularly funny as he was the man brought in to “restore the culture” in after Steve Smith and David Warner got the axe over ball tampering. They cried too.
Actually think it helps Australia’s chances for the Ashes though – Smith will probably return as captain and they might drop Paine in favour of Carey at wicketkeeper.
A plum job for exiled pundit Ian Botham, who is now the UK’s trade envoy to Australia.
Lord Botham is well prepared for the rough and tumble of politics thanks to the absolute shafting he received during a televised BBC Q&A with some children in 1986.
A croaky and hungover Beefy was probably expecting to sign a few caps and talk about the time he smashed Merv Hughes for 22 in one over.
Instead, he was grilled by a relentless cast of unsmiling Scottishstudents about his drug use, love of bloodsports, and refusal to change nappies.
As the show goes on, Botham becomes increasingly defensive, channelling David Brent and Alan Partridge.
He offers up some hilariously flippant responses, which climax with him telling a teenager: “You must have a sense of humour in there somewhere, love.”
India are still basking in the afterglow of their shock win at the Gabba, which ended Australia’s 33 year unbeaten streak at the ground.
It also sealed a 2-1 series win for a side missing seven first choice players. India were written off at the start of the tour, but everyone is praising them now.
Everyone that is, except for Lakhwinder Gill, whose 21-year-old son Shubman scored a heroic, series-winning 91 in only his third ever test.
“Shubman should have scored a century,” he told The Times of India. “He was batting so well and I don’t know why he suddenly played away from his body.”
He added: “Hopefully he will learn from it and not repeat this mistake.”
Love it, proper Asian dad move to publicly criticise your son’s near-perfect performance. Reminiscent of Nasser Hussain’s old man bollocking him for “only” taking nine wickets in an under-11s game.
IanBotham entered the House of Lords this week, and WhatsApp groups across the nation were immediately flooded with pictures of his scaly, flaccid cock.
The England legend once accidentally tweeted a dick pic with the caption “what are you thinking…xx” to his 400,000 followers. Beefy immediately denied it was his, and blamed “idiots” who hacked him, but we aren’t buying it.
