Amid all the chaos of the past year, one constant has given us comfort: Mario Balotelli is still out there, being an absolute headcase.
The Italian was at it again this week, congratulating his Adana Demirspor teammate on scoring with a friendly roundhouse kick to the face. Nothing says “well done” like a couple of studs raking your temples.
Balotelli has a proud history of torturing his team mates, dating back to his early days at Man City, when he was fined £100k for throwing darts at the club’s youth team players from a first floor window.
And as recently as September he was filmed lashing out at a teammate after he was substituted.
Just love the mix of embarrassment, weariness and concern on his teammates’ faces in that clip.
Still just 31, Mario should be in his absolute goalscoring prime, but instead he’s leading the line at the Turkish club, where he has managed 7 goals in 18 games this season.
Back in May, we told you about Daniel Sturridge’s dispute over a lapdog called Lucci (not sure how you pronounce that name – both options are awful).
The 31-year-old offered a £26,000 reward after the Pomeranian was stolen in a burglary on his house in LA two years ago. He wrote on Twitter: “Yo, somebody please find my dog. I will pay anything I’m dead serious, I want my dog back.”
But when a local rapper named Killa Fame – real name Foster Washington – found and returned Lucci, Sturridge failed to cough up.
Now, after a year-long legal battle, a Los Angeles court has ordered the striker to pay.
Killa Fame welcomed the decision, but he might want to hold back on the celebrations for now – Sturridge failed to answer the case in court, and now resides in western Australia. Not sure he’s going to pay.
Lionel Messi may be a godlike genius with a beautiful family and unlimited cash, but he has the dance moves of a chartered accountant pretending to enjoy himself at some club his girlfriend dragged him to.
The PSG striker was back in Argentina over Christmas and took in a little bit of live music with wife Antonela.
And though he was smiling, we can’t shake the suspicion Leo spent most of the concert doing laps of the bar and toilets before returning for the odd ballad, hugging his wife from behind and swaying slowly while stealing surreptitious glances at his watch and elbowing anyone who danced too close to them.
Brooklyn Beckham’s leap from photographer of blurry animals to celebrity chef is complete – the 22-year-old has a new Instagram TV series where top chefs teach him to cook.
In a promo for Cookin’ with Brookyln, the eldest Beckham child whips up an exciting tagliatelle dish, including a £500 wheel of Grana Padano cheese.
Pretty impressive until you realise it’s just pasta, parmesan and parsley. Student fodder really. And there’s no evidence the subsequent pecan pie isn’t just a microwaveable Gü ready meal.
Still, a big improvement from the days of “beacon and egg sandwiches”.
In another clip, Brook whips up a clam pasta for his brother Romeo and brother-in-law Zach, who looks like he’d prefer to be in his room embarking on a PornHub/Call of Duty marathon rather than catching norovirus for the benefit of Brooklyn’s TV career.
Exercise toy Boxbollen markets itself as a fun workout for all the family. So what better celeb to front their new ad campaign than Mr Family Values, John Terry?
In the Swedish brand’s Christmas commercial, John is seen frolicking in his front room with wife Toni before encouraging viewers to snap up a set and enjoy fun “for all age groups. For kids, grandparents.”
Sadly the squeaky clean vibe is slightly compromised by the huge artwork hanging on JT’s wall, which screams in a huge font, “Fuck dancing, let’s fuck”.
They may have cocked up the Champions League draw, but nothing will beat the time Rod Stewart turned up hammered to the Scottish FA Cup draw.
The scene opens with the giggling singer grabbing the arse of dour Scottish FA President Alan McRae, who desperately tries to keep a lid on things.
Rod then theatrically dips his hand into the pot for each draw, which he later explained was an impersonation of comedian Rod Hull and his emu puppet.
Plenty more to enjoy in the full clip, including a cheer for Celtic, a second arse grab, and the constant feeling he might just piss himself and keel over.
