A fine example of clubs weaponising the ball boys in their pursuit of 1% gains – here’s a lad from Man City refusing to give the ball to Aston Villa goalkeeper Hannah Hampton.
Look how pleased with himself he is, love it.
The little scamp is fortunate Hampton was fairly gentle with him. Contrast her response with Joe Hart screaming “GIVE ME THE FUCKING BALL” during an England defeat in 2014. God that’s a good video.
It just had to be France.
As Ole Gunnar Solskajer prepares for the glue factory, Man United are trying to lure Zinedine Zidane away from his sabbatical in Madrid.
And while Zizou is tempted, The Upshot understands his wife Veronique is less keen on moving to Manchester – the former model is apparently reluctant to swap tapas and sunshine for the Curry Mile and 150 days of rain a year.
Perhaps she’s been talking to Angel Di Maria’s wife Jorgelina, who reflected on her time in the city: “The people are weird, the food is disgusting, it was a shithole.” But apart from that, she loved it!
Jorgelina also branded northern women “skinny and weird”, which is a bit rich considering her husband looks like this:
Back to the future for Barcelona, who have re-signed club legend Dani Alves at the ripe old age of 38.
And Alves took that theme a little too seriously at his grand unveiling, arriving in a pair of sunglasses from the year 3021.
He completed the crypto billionaire look with a red velvet blazer and some flip flops.
Just when we’d accepted Eric Cantona living the life of a suburban chartered surveyor, here comes another shocking tale of frugality from a charismatic French genius.
David Ginola says he used to play the lottery in the hope of escaping the “slavery of work” in the Premier League.
Strange policy for a global sex symbol who earned millions playing football and flaunting his silky locks in L’Oreal adverts.
Here’s his explanation:
I don’t play the lottery now, but I used to when I was playing for Newcastle. It was because our housekeeper did it every week and she used to get me to join in with her and give her numbers.
I used to joke with her that we would win the jackpot and run away together.
Ah, he was trying to shag the housekeeper. That explains it.
If you don’t know who Salt Bae is, he’s a bloke who sprinkles salt in a vaguely amusing way, and has somehow turned that gag into a £50 million restaurant empire.
The Turkish chef – who we’re still hoping is actually a Sacha Baron Cohen character – recently opened a London outpost, where he serves £1500 steaks covered in edible gold leaf.
Naturally this soulless business lounge is a magnet for footballers like Wayne Rooney, David Beckham and, it turns out, former Spurs gaffer Mauricio Pochettino, who popped in the other day.
The Argentine – among the favourites for the Man United job – was filmed spunking ungodly sums of cash on overpriced, incoherent dross. He’ll fit right in at Old Trafford.