If you saw Fever Pitch, the BBC’s excellent documentary about the early years of the Premier League, you will no doubt have enjoyed Eric Cantona’s sulky charisma all over again.
But as the United captain faced the press following his 1995 kung fu kick on a fan, we couldn’t help wondering why he has the house and car of a retired high street solicitor.
The bloke was captaining Man United and earning £10k a week (a million a year in today’s money), yet he appears to be have rented a two up, two down in a sleepy cul-de-sac on the set of Brookside.
Half expected his wife to lean out the window and scream “Eric, ya tea’ll get cold.”
Farewell then, MikeAshley. The wide boy billionaire celebrated his £55 million profit on the sale of Newcastle United on Thursday night with a five hour piss-up at London’s first gay pub, the Kings Arms.
And when it came to paying the bill, The Upshot hears Ashley displayed one of his trademark acts of generosity – tipping the barmaid a measly £5.
Hardly surprising, given his track record. The tubby tycoon once invited the press for an open day at the Sports Direct warehouse after it transpired he was paying some staff below minimum wage.
Sadly for Mike, things went rather wrong at the security X-ray which all visitors must pass before entering the warehouse. Turning out his pockets, he pulled out a huge wad of £50 notes, right in front of the assembled journos and cameras.
“There’s a lot of cash there,” observed one hack. To which Ashley replied, “Yes, I’ve been to the casino. Please don’t write that…”
But the best Mike Ashley stories concern his blurring of the line between boozing and business. The widely reviled Newcastle owner famously appointed Alan Pardew manager after meeting him in a casino.
And bankers said Ashley would get so bored during client meetings he would “take a nap” under the meeting table and refuse to get up until they “got the drinks in”.
At one meeting, he downed 12 pints and several tequila slammers in a drinking contest with a bank analyst. He then vomited in the fireplace.
During the same meeting, he agreed a £15 million business deal, only to later back out. In the ensuing court case, he told a judge the deal was “just banter”.
Finally, one (possibly apocryphal) positive story we heard about the man. On learning that one of Sports Direct’s longstanding warehouse workers had cancer, Ashley marched into the building and handed the bloke a brown envelope containing £30,000 in cash.
Few could have predicted AndrosTownsend‘s renaissance at Everton this season. The 30-year-old looked set for the glue factory, but he’s now scored five in nine games for the Toffees.
Credit to him, but are we alone in wondering if he owes this form to some kind of Samson-style miracle performed by a mystery Turkish hair clinic?
It’s fair to say things could have turned out very differently for Andrei Kanchelskis at Man United.
The Russian winger was signed from Shakhtar Donetsk in 1991 and helped bring the team their first title in twenty-six years in 1993.
However, he didn’t exactly endear himself to new boss Alex Ferguson on their first meeting, after his limited English led to him being the subject to a prank from his new teammates.
In his autobiography, Russian Winters, Kanchelskis writes:
Whenever a foreign footballer comes into a dressing room, he will be taught how to swear. I’ve seen exactly the same thing with Brazilian players when I have been managing in Russia. They also taught me the correct way to address the manager of Manchester United.
Almost the first time I came across Alex Ferguson in the corridors of the Cliff, he said to me, “All right, Andrei, how’s it going?”
I smiled at him and replied, “Fuck off, Scottish bastard.”
Ferguson stopped dead in his tracks and then began to smile as he heard laughter echoing down the corridor, while I stood there bewildered.
Kanchelskis would go on to make 161 appearances for Man Utd, claiming two league titles, before departing for Everton in 1995.
When a 21-year old Kolo Toure arrived at Arsenal for a trial, Arsene Wenger had high hopes. But things didn’t exactly go to plan.
Ray Parlour recalled on Talksport:
They roll the ball to Thierry Henry and Kolo Toure – from nowhere – smashed him right from behind. Two footed tackle, terrible tackle. Seriously would’ve been a red card in a normal game. Our best player’s on the floor rolling around.
Arsene Wenger goes: “Kolo what are you doing, don’t tackle, don’t tackle.”
“Oh sorry,” he replied.
Next minute, ball goes into Dennis Bergkamp. Kolo Toure does the exact same thing, two-foots Dennis Bergkamp.
We’re thinking: “This is unbelievable. How can we win the league if our two best players have been taken out by a trialist. He must be working for someone else.
Wenger goes: “Alright that’s it. No more tackling.” And this is Arsene Wenger.
Next ball comes in and he makes a great tackle Kolo Toure, and the ball spits up in the air. And Arsene Wenger is standing right in the middle.
The ball’s gone up in the air, and Kolo Toure’s watching the ball. And where did it land? Right at Arsene Wenger’s feet and he’s two-footed Arsene Wenger. Proper tackle, took him out.
All you heard was “ohhhh” and Wenger had to limp off to the medical room.
That afternoon I went to see Arsene about something and he had a big ice pack on his ankle.
I said: “Boss, I don’t think he meant to kick you like that.”
And he went: “What? Look at my ankle!”
And then he said: “I like his desire, we sign him tomorrow”.
Toure would go on to make over 300 appearances for Arsenal, and played in all but one of the Gunners’ Premier League games during the ‘Invincibles’ season of 2003/4.
A memorable week for Suriname’s 60-year-old Vice President, who insisted on playing for and captaining the team he owns during a crunch fixture against Honduran giants Olimpia.
RonnieBrunswijk managed 54 minutes and took all the kick offs as his side went down 6-0 in the qualifying stage of the Concacaf league, which is like the Europa League for the Carribean, Central and North America.
After the game he visited the Olimpia dressing room and dished out $100 bills to the opposition, before leaving with one of their shirts.
Sadly Ronnie, who has fathered 50 children and used to rob banks, won’t be travelling to Honduras for the second leg – he’s wanted by Interpol for drug trafficking and can’t leave Suriname.
