On slow news days at the Towers, when our lowlife hacks are so desperate for a story they resort to rifling through Lawrence Dallaglio’s bins, we turn to Brazil. You can always count on one of their footballers to be waist deep in some sordid scandal, often involving borderline incest.
This week it’s Brazilian striker Hulk, who you may recall married his niece, Camila last year. At the time, Hulk claimed the wedding was for visa reasons, so Camila could stay with him in China.
That’s slightly harder to believe now the couple have announced they are having a baby. They even had the audacity to publish this official photo of Camila straddling Hulk like a boa constrictor devouring a bewildered mongoose.
It’s particularly confusing for Hulk’s three existing kids, who he had with Camila’s aunt during their 12 year marriage. Their cousin is also their step mother, and their half sibling will also be their cousin.
Until a few months ago, Stoke-born Ben Brereton was a low-profile Championship striker, scoring 7 goals for Blackburn as they finished 15th in the league.
Then it emerged he had a Chilean mother, and suddenly he was playing up front in the Copa America under the new moniker Ben BreretonDiaz.
And Ben had quite the Copa as Chile went out in the quarter-finals. He was even named in the team of the tournament, alongside Neymar and Messi.
Now Pepsi have released an excellent advert to chronicle the arrival of Chile’s most unlikely star.
America is finally embracing football, and that’s fantastic. But it can be a little grating when they refer to penalties as “PKs” or start a tame rendition of “Let’s go Kansas, Let’s Go”.
And now the worst custom in all of American sport has invaded football: the live television proposal.
Following his side’s draw with San Jose Earthquakes, Minnesota United’s Hassani Dotson popped the question to his girlfriend in front of a packed stadium. And reader, she said yes.
Why would you want 40,000 people and an ESPN cameraman in attendance for such a personal moment? Is it so she can’t say no?
We’re reluctant to use the phrase “thick as mince” about anyone, but watch one of Brooklyn Beckham’s Instagram cookery classes and you’ll see it’s a fitting description.
In the 30 second clips, the eldest of the Beckham brood serves up culinary delights such as pesto pasta, eggy bread, and our favourite, “beacon egg and sausage,” which you can see above.
He also doed summer rolls, which sound quite advanced but in reality are just cucumber and avocado wraps.
This is Brooklyn’s first contribution to the creative canon since his iconic coffee table book, “what i see”, which included photos of silhouetted elephants and something captioned: “I like this picture. It’s out of focus but you can tell there’s a lot going on.”
You’re familiar with NaughtyUncleWayne, we presume. Gary Lineker’s younger, seedier brother spends his days at his slightly faded Ibiza sports bar, where the vibe is very much “Hooch for a euro and Wonderbras-get-in-free.”
He’s also responsible for some absolutely criminal Instagram posts, including this snap with England’s Tyrone Mings, who dropped in on the Party King of San Antonio during a recent stay on the island.
The caption Wayne wrote underneath? “Wash your fingers for the MINGers.”
They say crime doesn’t pay, but tell that to CharliePerry. You may recognise him as the England fan with a flare up his bum and an ungodly amount of cocaine up his nose.
Now the 25-year-old roofer has trousered £11,000 in exchange for a tell-all interview with The Sun.
“I’d been on the piss since half eight in the morning and had had at least 20 cans of Strongbow,” he told the red top, adding that he also “banged a load of powder” throughout the day.
It turns out Perry, who always wears a £545 Luis Vuitton bucket hat, is a veteran “gibber” – someone who breaks into stadiums without a ticket.
He snuck in at Wembley by bribing a fan £150 to let him “tailgate” them through the turnstiles, and then handed another £100 to a steward to smooth his entry.
In conclusion, he told the paper: “There were no rules that day. All I know is that I loved it all. I was off my face and I loved every minute. My mates and I had one of the best six weeks of our lives. See you in Qatar.”
