Starting a new job is a nerve-wracking experience at the best of times, so spare a thought for new St Étienne signing Joris Gnagnon, who was mistaken for a security guard on his first day at training.
The French centre-back reportedly turned up at the Geoffrey-Guichard Stadium 20kg overweight, leading a teammate to remark “he was very plump” after confusing him for a training ground doorman.
It’s not the first time a club has raised concerns over Gnagnon’s fitness – Sevilla sacked the defender in September after repeatedly criticising his physical condition.
The Frenchman is yet to make an appearance for the Ligue 1 strugglers, whose on-field travails have led to heated fan protests.
Angry fans invaded the pitch and damaged goalposts during a top-flight game against Angers in October, resulting in a temporary stadium closure, while bottle-throwing hooligans also halted a recent cup game against Jura Sud.
If St Étienne’s form doesn’t pick up soon, Gnagnon might find himself useful after all.
Jose Mourinho’s reign at Roma is only six months old, but we’ve already reached the “humiliating the players by comparing them to eunuchs” stage.
Following his side’s 2-0 cup defeat to Inter, the Special One was all smiles for the cameras, praising his team for “playing well against a team against whom it’s not easy to play well”.
But back in the dressing room, he ripped the mask off and gave the little punks a full-on Hitler in the bunker bollocking.
In a leaked audio of the rant, Mourinho told his squad:
I want to know why, playing face to face with Inter, you shit yourself within the first 10 minutes!
And then I want to know why you again shit yourself against Milan in under 10 minutes! All of you! No exceptions!
I want to know why from two years you have shown yourselves (to be) small versus the greats. If we are small, the refs will treat us as small!
They treat Roma like it is small! Inter is a super squad, you had them in front of you and instead of finding the right motivations, you shit yourselves! The greatest defect of a man is the lack of balls, of personality.
Are you afraid of this kind of match? Then go play in Serie C, you won’t find any teams with champions, top stadia, the pressures of top football.
You’re people without balls, the worst thing for a man.
After pestering the Sky Sports pundit repeatedly, a slightly nervous public schoolboy named “John” phoned Neville to apologise, and did us the favour of recording the call.
“Oo the fook’s got my noomber?” demands Gaz repeatedly, while threatening to call the police.
Rattled, the prankster eventually pins it on Tony Adams son. “His son goes to Milfield School, and he knohws Henry, who’s given it to Ben Metcalfe, who goes to ah school,” he explains.
Neville, unimpressed, replies: “Shut up you fookin dick” before ordering John to bring him some names or face the long arm of the law.
Always good to hear from Rio Ferdinand, especially when he’s diving headfirst into the heavyweight issues of the day.
This week the former United defender asked his Twitter followers: “Why are there no openly gay footballers in the Premier League?”
Fair question, most people would agree. Unless you happen to be, er, Rio Ferdinand, who tweeted six months ago: “The fascination with the Qs ‘who is gay?’ or ‘why isn’t there a gay player in the Premier League?’ is part of the problem.”
We’re not sure which Rio to agree with, but we’d wager the main problem is the rampant homophobia among players and fans.
Take these comments from a legendary Premier League footballer on Radio 1: “That is not my bag that, that is not my game, talking about going out with geezers. You’re a faggot”.
Who would say such a thing? That would be former Man United defender… Rio Ferdinand!
