Category Archives: Golf
Lee Westwood has joined Phil Mickelson in taking the Saudi riyal to join their new breakaway tour, which starts next month.
Westwood has always ducked questions about his new paymasters’ human rights record by trotting out his twee catchphrase, “I’m just a lad from Worksop who plays golf for a living”.
Although he did at least have the decency to acknowledge this week, “This is my job. I do this for money.”
He’ll fit right in alongside Mickelson, whose lust for cash is well known.
A golf magazine once asked pros in the clubhouse how much they had in their wallet.
Most of them had to check, digging out a couple of small, crumpled notes before encouraging the interviewer to “ask Phil”.
When they finally approached Mickelson, he replied, without skipping a beat, “I’ve got $6,500 in $100s and $1,600 in $20s”.
Donald Trump is so notorious for his dishonesty on the golf course that his opponents nicknamed him “commander in cheat”.
Actor Samuel L Jackson recalls the President sending the ball into a lake, only for it to reappear on the fairway moments later. A former caddy swears he once saw Trump boot a rival’s ball from the green into a bunker.
And a plaque at Trump’s deluxe Florida resort lists him as the course champ in 1999, 2001 and 2009. It only opened in 2000.
So forgive our scepticism at the 45th President claim’s that he bagged a hole-in-one during a round with former world number one Ernie Els.
Trump issued a lengthy statement this week, assuring fans that it was “100% true” he completed the feat.
“I hit a 5-iron, which sailed magnificently into a rather strong wind, whereupon it bounced twice and then went clank, into the hole,” he explained.
There’s no actual footage of the shot, but Els insisted unconvincingly that it was “fun to watch the ball roll in”.
As for who won overall, Donald delivered a world class humblebrag, adding, “I won’t tell you who won because I am a very modest individual, and you will then say I was bragging – and I don’t like people who brag.”
It’s been a rocky start for the breakaway Saudi golf league, which is losing big names faster than Evgeny Lebedev’s summer party. But for the tournament’s CEO Greg Norman, all this negative publicity is just a great chance to talk about himself.
The former world number one turned a recent interview into a guided tour of his Florida mansion, where viewers could admire a 1.5x size bronze bust of the man himself.
Fairly narcissistic, but very much par for the course with Greg, who describes himself as a “living brand” and once said after 18 holes, “I was in awe of myself out there.”
And then there’s the competition he held two years ago, asking his fans to write 1000 word essays on why they loved him so much.
Sadly the bust isn’t a full statue, meaning the wait goes on to confirm whether Norman‘s schlong really is the absolute howitzer it appeared to be in the Instagram thirst trap he posted last year.
Speaking of gothic energy, we’ve always felt there was something of the night about Phil Mickelson. With his wild eyes, pear-shaped torso and undertaker haircut, he’d make the perfect creepy butler in a haunted house film.
So it was a bit of a shock to see Mick boogying like a tipsy father collecting his daughter from the school disco in this advert for a shirt brand.
As embarrassing ads go, it’s not quite Virat Kohli “walking like a dude, feeling all cool“, but still very enjoyable.
As Prince Andrew sweats (or not) over the decision of a New York court, word reaches the Upshot that his favourite golf club are cutting ties with their former captain.
At the Royal and Ancient club in St Andrews – aka the governing body of golf – a portrait of every past captain hangs in the famous club house.
Every past captain that is, except for Randy Andy, whose painting, which was specially commissioned in 2006 and used to have pride of place, has mysteriously disappeared.
Before you embark on a month of miserable green soups, “couch to 10k” and 0.5% lager, remind yourself that a week of indulgence is nothing compared to John Daly’s daily intake.
According to his memoirs, the American would consume all of this every day at his peak:
- 3-4 trips to McDonald’s (“I used to be able to eat two Big Macs, two or three cheeseburgers, chocolate shake, regular Coke back then in a sitting pretty easily.”)
- Burger King
- Taco Bell
- 4-6 packs of M&Ms (“Peanut M&Ms… loved ’em.”)
- “Multiple” packs of chocolate muffins
- Chocolate ice cream
- 12-20 Diet Cokes
- Over 40 cigarettes (“Two packs… two and a half packs a day.”)
- No water (“I don’t drink water… I hate water. I cannot stand to drink water.”)
