Elton Jantjies has officially cemented his position as the game’s biggest wrong un’ – South Africa have sent their fly-half home after it emerged he was secretly knobbing the team dietician.
According to our sources in Mbombela, Elton and Zeenat Simjee (pictured above) snuck out of the team hotel and checked into their own place, where their loud shagging kept guests awake late into the night.
They racked up a £1300 bill buying champagne and candlelit dinners before doing a runner. Apparently some of the money went on flowers which were accompanied by a note where Jantjies professed his love to Simjee.
Elton, who is married with three kids, was already having a fairly wild 2022 – he was arrested on a plane in May after drunkenly banging on a toilet door until his fists bled as he screamed “come out ma darling” in Afrikaans at an Emirates stewardess who had locked herself inside.
Argentina recorded a famous win on Saturday, beating the All Blacks in New Zealand for the first time.
But their real achievement took place on Thursday night, when the Pumas’ touring party of 50 devoured 100kg of meat – 2kg per head. For comparison, a typical supermarket steak is 2-300g.
According to Valentina Marquez from Christchurch restaurant El Quincho, the players wolfed down the following: “A whole lamb [which weighed] 25 to 30 kilos, we had 60-70 chorizo [sausages], we had around 50kg of beef and around 20kg of chicken and pork.”
Surprised they could get out of bed let alone beat the All Blacks…
Duty calls for Trevor Burke QC, the Mr Loophole lawyer who specialises in drunken meltdowns on planes.
His likely next client – South Africa fly-half Elton Janties, who was greeted by police at Johannesburg airport after losing his marbles on a solo flight home from a family holiday.
Witnesses say a drunken Elton spent 10 minutes banging on a toilet door until his fists bled as he screamed “come out my darling” in Afrikaans at an Emirates stewardess who had locked herself inside.
“The blood of his knuckles was all over the toilet door, and he was moving through the cabin, smearing blood on people’s seats because he was walking clumsily,” recalled one passenger.
“A blonde Emirates hostess then came out of the bathroom, and you could see she was terrified,” they added.
Stay tuned for the inevitable Xanax and red wine defence…
It’s that time of year, when the pubs fill with blokes in Musto fleeces saying stuff like “soldiers deserve footballers wages”. The Six Nations is back.
Besides being one of the best tournaments in international sport, the Six Nations also hosts several classic national anthems. But which is the best?
God Save The Queen (England)
It does the job, but against songs which celebrate brave struggles and national solidarity, GSTQ is a dreary anachronism, especially when bangers like I Vow To Thee My Country are available.
The “daa dah dah dahhh…send her victorious” crescendo is always a pleasure, though.
La Marseillaise (France)
The godfather of them all. A thunderous, martial romp crammed full of evocative lyrics which sometimes go a little far. “Let’s water the fields with impure blood”, for example.
It’s one hell of a tune, with a typically French element of menace. You can imagine singing it en route to fight the Austrians. Or, y’know, while guillotining your local priest.
Ireland’s Call (Ireland)
Yes, we know there are two Irish anthems, let’s not get into all that now. Since ’95 Ireland’s Call has been the main one, and it’s a catchy, bouncy number with easy lyrics. It’s a liiiittle bit cheesy and modern, but good fun and the kids love it.
Il Canto degli Italiani (Italy)
Surprisingly popular among football fans, we always wrote it off as some nationalist hymn from a time when the fates of nations were decided by the bedroom exploits of haemophiliac princes.
But it’s actually a nice plucky one with a few loud moments. Often the highlight of Italy’s performances.
Flower of Scotland (Scotland)
Sombre yet passionate, angry yet beautiful, FOS is a rousing number, especially when set to bagpipes at a drizzly Murrayfield before they face the Auld Enemy. If we’re being picky, it’s slightly hateful compared to other options, but maybe that’s the point.
Hen Wlad Fy Nhadau (Wales)
The French cook, the Spanish make love, and the Welsh sha… they sing. Their anthem is an absolute spine-tingler, especially when it’s belted out by 80,000 hammered locals at the Milennium Stadium, easily the best rugby ground in the world.
Not a clue what the song’s about, though.
South Africa boss Rassie Erasmus may be a tactical genius, but it is becoming increasingly clear that he is also a basement-dwelling sofa masturbator.
If his hour long video rants weren’t enough to persuade you, here’s Rassie in his horrible open-fly boxers at midday, swigging from a beer and screaming at the TV as his side edged out New Zealand.
He’s even got the laptop open so he can taunt his online enemies and play Warcraft.
The Upshot loves nothing more than pettiness, so congratulations to South Africa boss Rassie Erasmus for showing us how it’s done.
Still reeling from his side’s defeat on Saturday, the World Cup winner used a fake Twitter account to criticise the Lions and the referees from Saturday’s game.
Rassie retweeted a post from an account called Jaco Johan which pointed out several “questionable calls” from the officials, as well as praising the Springbok gaffer’s “respect in defeat”.
Here’s the evidence:
- The account had 0 followers and had never tweeted before he retweeted it.
- It exclusively posts well-edited footage of controversial incidents where Erasmus feels hard done by.
- It uses a yellow circle to highlight foul play, just as he does on his own account.
- The account has liked 15 tweets and they are all from sides he has coached.
- Rassie‘s real first name is Johan.
The best part is him pretending to be magnanimous when writing under his real name: “This is rugby. Sometimes calls go for you and sometimes they don’t.”
And when they don’t, create a sock puppet Twitter account and complain about it.
(Credit to Squidge Rugby for cracking this case wide open.)
