9th Jul, 2022 Football

Is Laurence Bassini 12 years old? An investigation

It takes a lot to get banned from owning a football club – neither state-sanctioned murder not heroin trafficking will do it – but Laurence Bassini managed it.

Bassini, a twice bankrupt 12-year-old trapped in a businessman’s body, served a three year ban following a catastrophic reign at Watford, which ended with him making off with £1.5 million in club cash and sending gloating texts to the local paper whenever they lost.

Now Bassini is back, and he’s hell bent on digging his filthy claws into troubled Championship side Birmingham.

The 52-year-old fantasist insists he is about to buy the club, and he made a batshit crazy phone call to Jim White and Simon Jordan’s Talksport show the other day.

It’s worth a listen – after teasing some “big news”, Lozza claims to be worth £235 million and insists “I’m going to win the league next season”.

And then he turns to his real goal – scoring playground points over Simon Jordan.

“Simon! You’re a failed owner of Crystal Palace” – Lozza shrieks, before hooting triumphantly, “Simon! You did a film with Kevin Spacey and it failed”, as if a successful movie with a notorious sexual predator would be something to brag about.

White and Jordan make some incredible, pained expressions throughout, here’s a taste.

They do a good job of mocking him too. When Bassini claims he’ll win the league, Jordan hits back with “the village idiot league?”

That probably explains this text Bassini sent him later…

Given the fact he lives on another planet, The Shot strongly suspects Mr Bassini does not have the funds to buy the club, but it’s going to be a hell of a Netflix doc if he somehow pulls it off.

There’s more, so much more, and we’ll keep it coming in future emails.

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