🤩 Sportsperson of the Year
Finally, to the biggest prize of them all. After putting a shortlist of four to our Upshot Gold members, we held a vote to determine the winner.
And the results are…
4) Charlie Perry (12% of the vote)
England failed to win the Euros, but when it came to horrifying the rest of the world, their fans were comfortable champions.
And no one gave more to that effort than Perry, the 25-year-old roofer with a big heart, a flare up his bum and an ungodly amount of coke up his beak.
Reflecting on the final, he told The Sun: “There were no rules that day. All I know is that I loved it all. I was off my face and I loved every minute. My mates and I had one of the best six weeks of our lives. See you in Qatar.”
Looking forward to reporting on his Midnight Express ordeal in some Doha slammer next Christmas.
3) Ronnie Brunswijk (14%)
When Honduran giants Olimpia visited the team he owns, Suriname’s 60-year-old Vice President did what any responsible owner would do: he picked himself, as captain.
Ronnie managed 54 minutes and took all the kick offs before his son replaced him in the 6-0 defeat, which was held at the club’s ground, the Ronnie Brunswijk Stadium.
Sadly an Interpol warrant prevented him from travelling to Honduras for the second leg, but the extensive corruption allegations couldn’t stop big Ron from edging out a cocaine-addled self mutilator to snatch a podium finish in the Shotties.
2) Reanne Evans (20%)
The Shot has been staunchly Team Evans ever since her ex, Mark Allen got her booted out of the BBC Studio because her punditry was “distracting him”. Allen followed up a few weeks later by sneering at her promotion to the men’s tour, telling the press: “I don’t see what she will add”.
So when the pair squared up in the British Open, in a match dubbed Battle of the Exes, we prayed for an Evans victory.
Sadly Reanne came up just short, but she did give us the most delightfully spiteful moment of the year, when she refused Allen’s offer of a pre-match fist bump, live on national TV.
And for that, she secured the backing of one in five Gold Shotters, and takes the runner up spot.
But in the end, it was a landslide victory for our winner. Ladies and gentlemen, we give you…
1) The steward kicking the dildo in the goal (54%)
What is it about this clip that is so heartwarming? The grin, the fact it takes him two attempts to get it in the goal, the way he peels off to celebrate in front of the adoring fans. It’s all magic.
Most of all, it’s the sheer Britishness of the scene: a lower league tie interrupted by a man with a goatee and an SIA licence, joyfully booting a dildo into the back of the net. There can be no more worthy recipient of the title.
We’ve contacted Lincoln City to track down our mystery champion and formally hand him the trophy (we’re thinking a golden dildo). Stay tuned for more updates on that.
For now, we salute him.
This award is part of the Shotties 2021, our annual ceremony recognising the athletes whose squabbles and scandals have entertained the most this year. You can view all the awards here.
