“I liked loud music, I smoked, I drank, and I bowled a bit of leg spin. I don’t have any regrets,” Shane Warne tells viewers in his new Amazon documentary, which features a surprising amount of introspection from the legendary leg spinner.
Given all that candour, you’d think the producers would devote a bit more air time to Warney’s Achilles’ heel: sexting.
In fact, he’s arguably a pioneer of the medium, having lost the Australian vice-captaincy all the way back in 2000 when he admitted to exchanging “a bit of dirty talk” with a nurse he met in a Leicester nightclub.
In total, the tabloids would expose him in a further seven sexting scandals, which must be a record.
His marriage to the long-suffering Simone survived several of them because Shane always persuaded her to take him back.
But in 2007 he well and truly blew it, when he sent a message intended for his mistress to Simone, telling her: “Hey beautiful, I’m just talking to my kids, the back door’s open”.
Following his divorce, Shane shacked up with Liz Hurley. They even got engaged but it was only a matter of time before Warney would succumb to his old ways, informing a businesswoman that he would “like to see you riding me” via WhatsApp.
And he was still at it last year, telling a married woman, “I can’t wait to devour you”. Got a feeling that won’t be the last time!
The Upshot would be nothing without the odd sordid tale, so we’re grateful 2021 was a bumper year for sexting disasters.
Tim Paine fell on his sword after it emerged the Australia captain sent an “unsolicited” dick pic and ordered a Cricket Australia employee to “finish me off now!!” in 2017. Ironically the scandal did finish him off and he quit immediately.
But Paine was upstaged by Michael Owen, who demanded nudes from a glamour model with his trademark cocktail of arrogance and utter dreariness.
“Come on then, fire them through. It’s a long boring trip to London so I need something to do… leave nothing to the imagination,” snapped an impatient Owen, before commending her on her “tremendous” breasts and asking if they were “falsies” in the manner of a mechanic admiring a new carburettor.
Elsewhere, our Paris bureau kept the lights on thanks to the French football team’s dark sexual psychodrama, which shows no sign of abating.
Things reached a particular nadir with the rumour that a current French international had a party where he pooed in people’s mouths while filming himself. If you’re wondering who it was, ask an Upshot Gold member – we told them back in November.
But for all the undeniable excitement of the stories above, there was one tale which really caught our imagination. It concerned a video of Arsenal defender William Saliba, captioned “Saliba in the splash zone”.
The clip shows Saliba in his France tracksuit, on a sofa next to a guy who is completely naked and masturbating while watching something (porn) on his phone. Two other team mates are sitting on the other side of him, both fully dressed in their national team tracksuits, and acting like nothing is happening.
Probably the weirdest thing we wrote about, and because it appears to have been totally swept under the rug by everyone except this newsletter, we have to hand Saliba the gong.
This award is part of the Shotties 2021, our annual ceremony recognising the athletes whose squabbles and scandals have entertained the most this year. You can view all the awards here.
Just gonna get right into this one: Australia captain Tim Paine has quit on the eve of the Ashes after admitting he sent an “unsolicited” dick pic and some dirty messages to a female staffer.
Paine – married with kids – sent the DMs to a Cricket Australia employee in November 2017 – on the first day of the last Ashes series Down Under.
Here’s the main exchange:
Highlights:
Paine – a cricket nerd – working in a “firm pull” cricket pun.
His sudden escalation despite her clear lack of interest.
“Finish me off right now!!!”
Can only imagine the wave of guilt and embarrassment that washed over him immediately after ejaculating.
Also – has a dick pic ever been “solicited”?
His wife is standing by him. Here’s a pic of them together:
Awful for her, and very weird from Paine. But we’re not sure he should have to quit over this. The case for the defence:
It was clearly a two way thing until Paine went a bit far.
The woman only complained seven months later – after she’d been sacked and charged with stealing.
The blazers investigated it and ruled it was consensual, private and a one-off. There was no punishment.
Paine quit in a tearful press conference this morning (see pic at top), saying although he’d been cleared of wrongdoing years ago, it would be an unwelcome disruption for the team if he stayed on.
Particularly funny as he was the man brought in to “restore the culture” in after Steve Smith and David Warner got the axe over ball tampering. They cried too.
Actually think it helps Australia’s chances for the Ashes though – Smith will probably return as captain and they might drop Paine in favour of Carey at wicketkeeper.
The Daily Mirror has given Michael Owen an absolute shafting by publishing some ‘filthy’ messages he sent to a former Big Brother housemate.
As with everything Owen does, his messages are so boring, they’re actually quite fascinating.
A few lowlights:
Asks her to send through 20 topless pics so he can “judge” if they are suitable for putting on social media.
Gets impatient and texts: “Come on then, fire them through. It’s a long boring trip to London so I need something to do… leave nothing to the imagination.”
Replies “tremendous by the way.” when he finally gets to see the goods.
Questions whether her boobs are “falsies“.
This is probably our favourite line:
When asked what intrigued him about her, Owen replied: ‘Your past. Your present. Your posts with your tits out.’
