After two decades of 5am shuttle runs, 16 egg omelettes and uppercuts to the face, you’d think David Haye would want to put his feet up.
Instead, the 42-year-old has signed-up for an exhausting new assignment: a three way relationship.
The old warhorse has added Saturdays singer Una Healey to his two year romance with model Sian Osbourne, and the trio have informed their families they are officially a “thruple.”
Haye follows in a long line of Upshot favourites who tried to have their cake and eat it, including Brazilian strikers Adriano and Ronaldinho.
The latter smugly described himself as “adept at polygamy” after installing his three girlfriends in the same hotel, but ended up in court when two of them sued him.
The Hayemaker’s revelation shouldn’t come as a total shock – he’s always shunned the stifling conventions of polite society.
A few years ago the 42-year-old explained he abstains from sex entirely in the lead up to a big fight:
I don’t ejaculate for six weeks before any boxing contest. It’s simple – it sounds a bit crazy…
The way I see it, a lion is most dangerous when it’s hungry and when it’s horny. If a lion has just ate an antelope and shagged another lioness – you can walk up to it and pat it on the head.
But if it’s hungry and hasn’t eaten for a while, and it’s horny, go anywhere near it and it’s gonna bang you and eat you.
And as he grows his pride of females, we can look forward to Haye marking his territory with urine, roaring menacingly to warn intruders, and chasing off animals that encroach on his turf.
“Lovely to meet Sir Alex Ferguson at Manchester Old Trafford Stadium,” Amir Khan tweeted this week. “Best known for managing Manchester United from 1986 to 2013. He is widely regarded as one of the greatest football managers of all time”.
A charming message, if a little factual. Wonder how he came up with that?
Tyson Fury has already begun the inevitable climbdown from his “retirement”.
The Gypsy King is in training and refusing to give up his WBO belt. He’s also named his opening price – £500 million.
Plus, his ‘orrible old man, John ‘do you like a dog‘ Fury said this week Anthony Joshua is the only person his son wants to fight.
Fury has long held a fascination with Joshua. In 2016 he told an interviewer, “I don’t hate Joshua, I don’t dislike the guy.
“He’s doing well, he’s got a good body. I bet he’s got a big cock and all. Probably I wish I had it, but who cares.”
If you haven’t already seen the video of retired heavyweight Julius Francis – who once fought Mike Tyson – knocking out an unpleasant punter at Boxpark Wembley, then we urge you to watch it now.
Since his knockout victory, both the police and Boxpark have sided with Julius, and public clamour is growing for the 57-year-old to come out of retirement for an exhibition fight.
Someone even updated his Wikipedia page to include the knockout of “Blue DuRag Man” on his professional boxing record.
As for Blue DuRag Man himself, last we heard he was still on the pavement outside the food market. Hopefully he’s got some smelling salts in his hand bag.
Look, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with having a little cry in this day and age, especially if you’ve just completed a major sporting triumph.
That said, if you are going to weep publicly, try and do it with a little more poise and dignity than super featherweight Jimmy Lee.
https://twitter.com/SkySportsBoxing/status/1535714022049423360
The Guildford-born fighter broke down mid-interview after stopping Ricky Starkey at Wembley Stadium, announcing tearfully, “I’m made for this game, and anybody who wants it, can have it!”
It probably seemed quite defiant in his head, but combined with the sobbing, he ended up sounding like an 11 year old who’s just had his Xbox taken away because he punched his brother after losing at FIFA.
It’s Battle of the Utter, Utter Morons on Saturday night as Amir Khan and Kell Brook face off in Manchester.
The pre-fight trash talk has been atrocious, and quite homophobic. But there’s been plenty of entertainment courtesy of Brook’s trainer Dominic Ingle, who has real “just left the Marines and came to Ayia Napa on my own” energy.
In a recent promo video, Ingle persuaded Brook to wring out the sweat from his training vest into a pint glass so he could “sell it on eBay”.
Clearly, he had no plans to sell the glass of horrible, cloudy brine, and he eagerly waited for someone to suggest he drink it.
When the encouragement finally came, Dom greedily knocked it back and gargled, before letting out a satisfied “ahhh”.
Can’t shake the feeling he’d been planning to drink Brook’s sweat for a while, if he could just get hold of some.
